I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
