Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
