Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
