3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
But theres a keg here and me gusta
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
