From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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