Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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