did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
