this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
