he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
