He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
She told me I should be a condom model.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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