pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
