She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
