Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
