I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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