Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
