One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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