I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
