sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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