My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
