So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
