why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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