I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Randomize
