Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
