So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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