I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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