I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I wish you could order shots online.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
