my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
