she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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