you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
