she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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