I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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