She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
