At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
