I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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