Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
