When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
