I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
