The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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