Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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