Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
