Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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