I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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