you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
