dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
