You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
