I just threw up on my dentist
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
