so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
