why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
