He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
