i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
