I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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